The person you needed most will teach you how to need nobody. – some instagram quote
It’s true though. I don’t know how I do it, but somehow I seem to endure through every mental challenge life puts me through, all while having no one to “truly talk to”.
I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had something to live for, somehow every memory I have of anyone or anything is just ruined and distorted now. Everyone is either part of my past, or so caught up in their own lives they lack the capacity to be open to truly listen to me talk about mine.
It’s not that they don’t try. It’s just that whenever they do I have already mentally drained them just when I felt like I was just getting started to open up at all.
And I don’t blame them for it. They’ve got their own problems and I shouldn’t bother them with mine.
I hate that I can’t get you off my mind. It’s been over two years now and still I am stuck right where I was when the world began it’s descent into these troubling times.
You were the one person I have ever experienced who made me feel like I was not alone in this world. The only person who I felt the mutual connection with that we both used to talk about.
And you are the last person I’d ever wish any harm.
I’m so afraid to face you someday, but if you’d let me I would look you in the eye and show you from the bottom of my heart that I am sorry for what happened. That I’d do anything to undo the harm that I have done.
I am making an appeal to the court case, not because I am trying to get away with anything but because I feel like I could offer you way better than what they have charged me.
Two months is truly a joke, it shows that they do see validity in my side of the story, but also their difficulty in telling you that they don’t want to charge me. And I believe I have something to make right to you.
I promised my mother to fight any charge they would sentence me, but I was only willing to do so on my own terms and under my own conditions. The first condition is that me fighting the case will not take anything away from you, but instead make it better for you, which is why I borrowed money from my aunt who is 100% aware of what I have asked her money for, and had my lawyer make you the offer I made. It’s more than they initially charged me with so it’s a promise that either way you’ll end up with a better deal. You can have it whenever you want it, there is no conditions to it and no secret motive. I just want to make things right, like I wanted to from the beginning.
I don’t know why I’m writing this out this way, I’m pretty sure you’ll never read this. But I guess this is what it has come to when I have no one else to talk to but the spectre that is the memory of the friend I once had.
I suppose this way I’ll be able to vent and express the things I have no one to tell to.
Lost in the void,
Runya en’ Dae