It’s as if this year is transitional for me. I’m being taken seriously now and I’ll get to give my full side of the story. I’ve been allowed to give some form of peace through paying restitution. Afterwards I’ve been thrown back into becoming my former self through the loveliest reconnection with an old friend of mine; it truly set me on the path of living again, and the healing I need to embrace alongside that. Though it didn’t seem to last; I’ll always appreciate this person for what she unknowingly did for me. I’ll give her the commitment of my life to fulfill her dreams in return just for breathing new life into me.
It may have saddened me; but it didn’t shake my stance and hope when she stopped talking to me after I informed her of my past. Then again, I may have unraveled a bit and overwhelmed her to an extent of running/avoiding me. I totally get that, and even though it’s a hard realization to let in; it goes to show that I am in fact still a broken man.
This is a problem for me to address, and maybe I’m delusional but I’m using the feelings she gave me to guide me towards wanting to heal; and maybe she’ll change her mind about me before I heal enough to not have it depend on her anymore. But that’s just a fool’s hope.
Next wednesday I’m going to talk to the court-ordered psychiatrist, and the timing of me having been pulled back into the land of the living and the feelings I’m facing alongside that really feels divine though. It’s as if the universe is literally unfolding its plans to me and my path of redemption.
I need to hold on to hope though. I’m desperately keeping myself delusional and allowing myself to dream of a future with her. Maybe I’m just reminiscing, but there was a time she and I had our facebook status say we were engaged. And it wasn’t even because we were dating or anything; we were both just sick of the unwanted advances we both got so we faked it to get rid of it. And now I’m dreaming of building her a library; of building a life where I could actually be able to afford standards like having a library. Isn’t it a cliche where ambitious men need high standard women to actually motivate them to chase their dreams?
And I actually feel like I want to walk the path. Like I’m ready to shed the shadows and shine again. All because I have a divine debt to be a blessing to those who have blessed me with their presence in my life. And oh, if she would want it, the infinite love I’d have for this “ex fiancee” of mine…
I may be completely delusional, but I’ll heal for the dream of impressing her. She’s got me under s spell, and she hasn’t broken it yet. I might be hopeless, but I ain’t lost hope yet.
– Runya
pliep ploep